one-liner-joke/jokes.json

A simple node module which provides one liner joke randomly and from specific category

[{"body":"A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.","tags":["attitude","life","men","women"]},{"body":"Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.","tags":["life","sport"]},{"body":"If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.","tags":["beauty","women"]},{"body":"When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.","tags":["men","sarcastic","women"]},{"body":"I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?","tags":["life","marriage","people"]},{"body":"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.","tags":["car","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.","tags":["car","life","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.","tags":["animal","attitude"]},{"body":"Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.","tags":["dirty","life"]},{"body":"If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.","tags":["love","sarcastic","women"]},{"body":"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.","tags":["attitude","life"]},{"body":"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.","tags":["marriage"]},{"body":"I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.","tags":["IT","sarcastic","stupid"]},{"body":"You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.","tags":["attitude","life","motivational"]},{"body":"Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.","tags":["money"]},{"body":"You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.","tags":["intelligence","life","love"]},{"body":"Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"Relationships are a lot like algebra.  Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?","tags":["life","love"]},{"body":"Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.","tags":["life","sarcastic"]},{"body":"You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.","tags":["life","rude","ugly"]},{"body":"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.","tags":["intelligence","stupid"]},{"body":"I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.","tags":["life","time","work"]},{"body":"Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.","tags":["attitude"]},{"body":"That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is \"act natural, you're innocent\".","tags":["life","money"]},{"body":"Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.","tags":["attitude","communication","life"]},{"body":"I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.","tags":["hate","life","sarcastic"]},{"body":"I changed my password to \"incorrect\". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say \"Your password is incorrect\".","tags":["attitude","IT","life"]},{"body":"If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.","tags":["life","money"]},{"body":"I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.","tags":["attitude","hate","life","rude","stupid"]},{"body":"Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.","tags":["Father's Day","marriage"]},{"body":"Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.","tags":["christian","sarcastic","women"]},{"body":"I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.","tags":["attitude","life"]},{"body":"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.","tags":["God"]},{"body":"When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.","tags":["attitude","family","life"]},{"body":"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.","tags":["attitude","life"]},{"body":"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.","tags":["car","christian"]},{"body":"A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.","tags":["political"]},{"body":"Never laugh at your girlfriends choices... your one of them.","tags":["love","women"]},{"body":"Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.","tags":["intelligence","life"]},{"body":"When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.","tags":["attitude","men","work"]},{"body":"When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".","tags":["attitude","doctor","life","work"]},{"body":"She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.","tags":["animal","attitude","women"]},{"body":"Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.","tags":["christian","men"]},{"body":"I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.","tags":["marriage","men","women"]},{"body":"I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.","tags":["attitude","life","sarcastic"]},{"body":"If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?","tags":["attitude","life","women"]},{"body":"Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.","tags":["life","love"]},{"body":"Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.","tags":["attitude","food","IT","life"]},{"body":"My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.","tags":["car","kids","men"]},{"body":"I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.","tags":["attitude","motivational"]},{"body":"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.","tags":["political"]},{"body":"If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?","tags":["life","people"]},{"body":"The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.","tags":["attitude","sarcastic"]},{"body":"I named my hard drive \"dat ass\" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.","tags":["IT","life"]},{"body":"Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?","tags":["animal","people"]},{"body":"A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.","tags":["IT","life","sarcastic"]},{"body":"What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.","tags":["dirty","marriage","women"]},{"body":"I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.","tags":["attitude","hate","insults","rude"]},{"body":"Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?","tags":["beauty","Christmas","flirty","love"]},{"body":"If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.","tags":["insults","intelligence","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.","tags":["marriage","sarcastic","women"]},{"body":"Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.","tags":["marriage","men","mistake","women"]},{"body":"I sometimes watch birds and wonder \"If I could fly who would I shit on?\"","tags":["animal","attitude","life"]},{"body":"What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.","tags":["dirty","life"]},{"body":"If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.","tags":["attitude","sarcastic"]},{"body":"America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.","tags":["fighting","political"]},{"body":"How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?","tags":["marriage","women"]},{"body":"I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.","tags":["Father's Day","kids"]},{"body":"Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.","tags":["family","insults","rude","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.","tags":["age","life","retirement"]},{"body":"Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.","tags":["attitude","life","motivational"]},{"body":"Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.","tags":["attitude","fighting"]},{"body":"One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast.","tags":["attitude","food","life"]},{"body":"I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.","tags":["life","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.","tags":["intelligence","mistake","stupid"]},{"body":"Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.","tags":["life","women"]},{"body":"I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".","tags":["kids","money"]},{"body":"There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.","tags":["life","people"]},{"body":"People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.","tags":["communication","life","sarcastic","work"]},{"body":"Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.","tags":["love","marriage"]},{"body":"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.","tags":["marriage","women"]},{"body":"My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.","tags":["political"]},{"body":"Wife: \"I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?\" Husband: \"You have perfect eyesight.\"","tags":["insults","marriage"]},{"body":"I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.","tags":["attitude","food"]},{"body":"Take my advice \u2014 I'm not using it.","tags":["communication","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Top 3 situations that require witnesses:    1) Crimes  2) Accidents   3) Marriages    Need I say more?","tags":["marriage","sarcastic"]},{"body":"There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know.","tags":["money","success"]},{"body":"Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.","tags":["men","time","women"]},{"body":"I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.","tags":["hate","sarcastic","stupid"]},{"body":"I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.","tags":["marriage","men","women","work"]},{"body":"Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.","tags":["attitude","life","work"]},{"body":"Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea.  Real friends pick up a camera.","tags":["attitude","friendship"]},{"body":"My job is secure. No one else wants it.","tags":["sarcastic","work"]},{"body":"Give me ambiguity or give me something else.","tags":[]},{"body":"My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.","tags":["car","women"]},{"body":"If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.","tags":["attitude","people"]},{"body":"Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?","tags":["attitude","motivational","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.","tags":["IT","kids","life"]},{"body":"I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.","tags":["attitude","life","mistake"]},{"body":"Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.","tags":["family","insults"]},{"body":"For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.","tags":["attitude","life","mistake","sarcastic"]},{"body":"When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.","tags":["attitude","happiness","life","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.","tags":["motivational"]},{"body":"The difference between \"Girlfriend\" and \"Girl Friend\" is that little space in between we call the \"Friend Zone\".","tags":["friendship","love","sarcastic"]},{"body":"I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.","tags":["mistake"]},{"body":"Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.","tags":["attitude","men","women"]},{"body":"My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.","tags":["attitude","sarcastic"]},{"body":"It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.","tags":["life","marriage"]},{"body":"Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.","tags":["car","life","motorcycle"]},{"body":"My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?","tags":["marriage","men","women"]},{"body":"Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.","tags":["alcohol"]},{"body":"Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'","tags":["marriage","men","women"]},{"body":"Escalators don't break down... they just turn into stairs.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common \"enemy\".","tags":["kids","retirement"]},{"body":"Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them...","tags":["attitude","life","people"]},{"body":"Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days","tags":["life","sarcastic","success"]},{"body":"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.","tags":["attitude","intelligence","sarcastic"]},{"body":"What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.","tags":["animal","men"]},{"body":"Yo're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.","tags":["insults","school","ugly"]},{"body":"My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.","tags":["kids","marriage","sarcastic"]},{"body":"My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.","tags":["family","kids","love","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.","tags":["health","life"]},{"body":"My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, \"your daughter\" wasn't the right answer.","tags":["life","sex"]},{"body":"Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.","tags":["attitude","life","work"]},{"body":"The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.","tags":["attitude","Halloween","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.","tags":["life","motivational","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.","tags":["car","kids","sex"]},{"body":"My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.","tags":["alcohol","men","sarcastic","sex","women"]},{"body":"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.","tags":["puns","work"]},{"body":"A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.","tags":["intelligence","IT","life"]},{"body":"There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.","tags":["attitude","friendship","success"]},{"body":"You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.","tags":["insults","rude"]},{"body":"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.","tags":["IT"]},{"body":"I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.","tags":["birthday"]},{"body":"How did I escape Iraq? Iran.","tags":["puns"]},{"body":"Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is "Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?"","tags":["attitude","kids"]},{"body":"Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?","tags":["attitude","life","love","sarcastic"]},{"body":"The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.","tags":["dirty","insults"]},{"body":"I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.","tags":["puns"]},{"body":"I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.","tags":["animal","hate","love","men","women"]},{"body":"Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.","tags":["kids"]},{"body":"Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.","tags":["attitude","stupid"]},{"body":"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.","tags":["life","sport"]},{"body":"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.","tags":["marriage","women"]},{"body":"I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.","tags":["puns"]},{"body":"If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.","tags":["rude","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.","tags":["attitude","rude"]},{"body":"There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.","tags":["life","work"]},{"body":"When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.","tags":["doctor","life","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.","tags":[]},{"body":"I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.","tags":["life","puns"]},{"body":"I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.","tags":["animal","attitude","marriage"]},{"body":"Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.","tags":["puns"]},{"body":"My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.","tags":["marriage"]},{"body":"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.","tags":["men","women"]},{"body":"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.","tags":["sarcastic"]},{"body":"Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.","tags":["IT","sarcastic"]},{"body":"I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"Some people say \"If you can't beat them, join them\". I say \"If you can't beat them, beat them\", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.","tags":["motivational","people"]},{"body":"Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?","tags":["life"]},{"body":"Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?","tags":["life"]},{"body":"I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.","tags":["attitude","intelligence","stupid"]},{"body":"Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?","tags":["alcohol","sarcastic"]},{"body":"People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.","tags":["happiness","money","people","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.","tags":["alcohol","life","marriage"]},{"body":"A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.","tags":["sarcastic"]},{"body":"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.","tags":["animal","life"]},{"body":"If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common.","tags":["sarcastic","success"]},{"body":"Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them.","tags":["love","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.","tags":["friendship","life"]},{"body":"I bet you I could stop gambling.","tags":["motivational"]},{"body":"My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.","tags":["IT","sarcastic"]},{"body":"For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.","tags":["attitude","men"]},{"body":"Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u","tags":["flirty","food"]},{"body":"Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.","tags":["attitude","life","motivational"]},{"body":"Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.","tags":["fighting","life","sarcastic"]},{"body":"If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.","tags":["dirty","insults"]},{"body":"It's just a bad day, not a bad life.","tags":["life","motivational"]},{"body":"It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative.","tags":["attitude","life","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.","tags":["stupid"]},{"body":"Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode \u2013 really...","tags":["life","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.","tags":["men","women"]},{"body":"Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.","tags":["kids"]},{"body":"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.","tags":["death","life","people"]},{"body":"The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*","tags":["life","money","sarcastic"]},{"body":"You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.","tags":["attitude","dirty","insults"]},{"body":"What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.","tags":["blonde"]},{"body":"Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.","tags":["life","motivational"]},{"body":"What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.","tags":["blonde"]},{"body":"If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.","tags":["dirty","insults","kids","mistake"]},{"body":"Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.","tags":["kids"]},{"body":"Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing.","tags":["rude"]},{"body":"The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.","tags":["puns"]},{"body":"Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?","tags":["life"]},{"body":"God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.","tags":["attitude","God","life","motivational"]},{"body":"People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow.","tags":["attitude","people","sarcastic"]},{"body":"If time is money are ATM's time machines?","tags":["money","time"]},{"body":"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.","tags":["mistake","motivational"]},{"body":"Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough.","tags":["kids","women"]},{"body":"Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.","tags":["puns"]},{"body":"I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.","tags":["dirty","puns"]},{"body":"If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.","tags":["flirty","love"]},{"body":"Your life doesn't get better by chance. It gets better by choice.","tags":["motivational"]},{"body":"Hit snooze until the panic sets in.","tags":["attitude"]},{"body":"TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.","tags":["friendship","life"]},{"body":"You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.","tags":["men"]},{"body":"Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.","tags":["attitude"]},{"body":"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.","tags":["men","women"]},{"body":"Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones.","tags":["blonde"]},{"body":"The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.","tags":["puns"]},{"body":"People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?","tags":["sarcastic","time"]},{"body":"Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.","tags":["attitude","success"]},{"body":"I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.","tags":["attitude"]},{"body":"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.","tags":["attitude"]},{"body":"I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route.","tags":["attitude"]},{"body":"I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.","tags":["attitude","intelligence","success"]},{"body":"If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.","tags":["attitude","hate"]},{"body":"Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.","tags":["food","health"]},{"body":"I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.","tags":["insults","stupid"]},{"body":"You're so fake, Barbie is jealous.","tags":["insults","women"]},{"body":"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.","tags":["dirty"]},{"body":"The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.","tags":["motivational"]},{"body":"The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.","tags":["life","money"]},{"body":"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.","tags":["attitude","life"]},{"body":"Turning vegan is a big missed steak.","tags":["attitude","food","mistake"]},{"body":"The road to success is always under construction.","tags":["life","motivational","success"]},{"body":"I am known at the gym as the "before picture."","tags":["attitude","sport"]},{"body":"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.","tags":["christian","God"]},{"body":"Hey, you have something on your chin... no, the 3rd one down.","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.","tags":["rude","sarcastic"]},{"body":"My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.","tags":["puns"]},{"body":"Autocorrect just changed "I have so much anxiety I can barely breathe" to "I'm fine."","tags":["attitude","IT"]},{"body":"An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.","tags":["attitude","life","motivational"]},{"body":"Makeup tip: You're not in the circus.","tags":["beauty","women"]},{"body":"I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"It's not a relationship until you argue about whose turn it is to apologize.","tags":["love"]},{"body":"We come to love not by finding a perfect person... but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.","tags":["love"]},{"body":"Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?","tags":["attitude","sarcastic","sport"]},{"body":"Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!","tags":["insults","intelligence","stupid"]},{"body":"Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.","tags":["life","time","travel"]},{"body":"Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you're at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?","tags":["life"]},{"body":"Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.","tags":["love","men"]},{"body":"Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.","tags":["life","motivational","success"]},{"body":"If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs.","tags":["dirty","women"]},{"body":"I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.","tags":["friendship","sarcastic","work"]},{"body":"I work to buy a car to go to work.","tags":["car","work"]},{"body":"There's only one problem with your face, I can see it.","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.","tags":["attitude","communication","life","political","sarcastic"]},{"body":"A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.","tags":["attitude","life"]},{"body":"The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.","tags":["motivational"]},{"body":"What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit.","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall... is in love with me.","tags":["flirty","love"]},{"body":"Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.","tags":["life","love","men"]},{"body":"That awkward moment when you're in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.","tags":["motivational"]},{"body":"How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.","tags":["dirty","rude"]},{"body":"I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.","tags":["food","puns"]},{"body":"Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says","tags":["stupid"]},{"body":"You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.","tags":["doctor","insults","ugly"]},{"body":"Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.","tags":["insults","rude","ugly"]},{"body":"What was Forrest Gump's email password? \"1forrest1\"","tags":["IT","life","puns"]},{"body":"Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?","tags":["dirty","God","insults"]},{"body":"My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right\u2014I feel ten years older already.","tags":["doctor","life","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them...","tags":["attitude","people"]},{"body":"I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!","tags":["motivational"]},{"body":"Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.","tags":["life","motivational","work"]},{"body":"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.","tags":["attitude","sarcastic"]},{"body":"\"Excuse me miss, can I have the time? I'd check my watch but I can't take my eyes off you.\"","tags":["flirty","love","women"]},{"body":"I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it.","tags":["christian","sarcastic"]},{"body":"I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..","tags":["puns","school"]},{"body":"I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.","tags":["attitude","life","time"]},{"body":"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?","tags":["love","Valentines"]},{"body":"A procrastinator's work is never done.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.","tags":["animal","attitude"]},{"body":"A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.","tags":["animal","puns"]},{"body":"Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.","tags":["life","work"]},{"body":"I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you!","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.","tags":["sarcastic"]},{"body":"A girl phoned me the other day and said, \"Come on over, there's nobody home.\" I went over. Nobody was home.","tags":["men","sex","stupid","women"]},{"body":"Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!","tags":["sarcastic","sex"]},{"body":"If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?","tags":["flirty","life","love"]},{"body":"It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.","tags":["money","women"]},{"body":"Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.","tags":["insults","men","women"]},{"body":"Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back.","tags":["attitude","love","motivational"]},{"body":"Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?","tags":["life"]},{"body":"Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!","tags":["life","puns"]},{"body":"You are so ugly when you looked in the mirror your reflection walked away.","tags":["insults","ugly"]},{"body":"When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper \"You did this.\"","tags":["attitude","dirty","life","time"]},{"body":"I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?","tags":["insults","sarcastic"]},{"body":"What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.","tags":["blonde"]},{"body":"Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.","tags":[]},{"body":"We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.","tags":["alcohol","life","work"]},{"body":"So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.","tags":["life","marriage","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.","tags":["age","rude"]},{"body":"I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.","tags":["money","sarcastic"]},{"body":"My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.","tags":["animal","marriage","women"]},{"body":"Laziness is when a person doesn't fake that he's working.","tags":["life","work"]},{"body":"Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.","tags":["life","puns"]},{"body":"We All KEA! My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, \"Assembly required.\"","tags":["life"]},{"body":"Three words to ruin a man's ego...? \"Is it in?\"","tags":["dirty","men","sex"]},{"body":"Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.","tags":["dirty","racist"]},{"body":"How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear.","tags":["blonde"]},{"body":"Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.","tags":["racist"]},{"body":"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.","tags":["love"]},{"body":"You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.","tags":["sex","stupid"]},{"body":"My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.","tags":["marriage","rude","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.","tags":["life","puns","sex"]},{"body":"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?","tags":["attitude","intelligence","life"]},{"body":"Father's day, the most confusing day in the ghetto.","tags":["black","life","racist"]},{"body":"I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.","tags":["insults","rude"]},{"body":"He doesn't know the meaning of fear... but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of MOST words.","tags":["men","rude"]},{"body":"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.","tags":["death","school","time"]},{"body":"As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity?","tags":["insults","stupid"]},{"body":"How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.","tags":["dirty","sex","women"]},{"body":"Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.","tags":["life","love"]},{"body":"I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.","tags":["attitude","life","work"]},{"body":"A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.","tags":["life","puns"]},{"body":"The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.","tags":["health","work"]},{"body":"Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.","tags":["insults","rude"]},{"body":"What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.","tags":["marriage","money","sex"]},{"body":"What is the difference between \"ooooooh\"and \"aaaaaaah\"? About three inches.","tags":["dirty","sex"]},{"body":"Aha, I see the Fuck-Up Fairy has visited us again!","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.","tags":["animal","dirty"]},{"body":"What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins \"Once upon a time ...\" A southern fairytale begins \"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ...\"","tags":["black","racist"]},{"body":"Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with.","tags":["attitude","work"]},{"body":"In my spare time I like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people.","tags":["life","love","people"]},{"body":"I don't think you are stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking.","tags":["insults","rude"]},{"body":"One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, \"Please send me a sister.\" Santa Clause wrote him back, \"Ok, send me your mother.\"","tags":["Christmas","dirty","kids","sport"]},{"body":"I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.","tags":["insults","ugly"]},{"body":"My kids are very optimistic.  Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.","tags":["attitude","kids"]},{"body":"Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles \"how to read a book\".","tags":["kids","retirement"]},{"body":"Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...","tags":["attitude","communication","rude","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.","tags":["attitude","love","success"]},{"body":"I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.","tags":["insults","stupid"]},{"body":"What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.","tags":["dirty"]},{"body":"I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.","tags":["Halloween","political","sarcastic"]},{"body":"I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.","tags":["attitude","friendship","sarcastic","stupid"]},{"body":"Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.","tags":["communication","kids"]},{"body":"Are you a Nice girl or Good girl?: NICE girls blush when they watch porn, GOOD girls smile cause they know they can do better.","tags":["dirty","flirty"]},{"body":"If bullshit could float...you'd be the Admiral of the fleet!","tags":["insults"]},{"body":"3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!","tags":["attitude","life","sex"]},{"body":"My math teacher called me average. How mean!","tags":["puns","school"]},{"body":"Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.","tags":["life","women"]},{"body":"Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"Never trust a dog to watch your food.","tags":["animal","attitude"]},{"body":"What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.","tags":["car","sex","women"]},{"body":"What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? \"Are you sure it's mine?\"","tags":["blonde","kids"]},{"body":"My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.","tags":["attitude","kids","money","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.","tags":["insults","ugly"]},{"body":"Karma takes too long, I'd rather beat the shit out of you just now.","tags":["attitude","insults"]},{"body":"But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.","tags":["dirty","sex"]},{"body":"What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.","tags":["rude","sex"]},{"body":"All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?","tags":["attitude","life","work"]},{"body":"I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.","tags":["attitude","insults","puns"]},{"body":"The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.","tags":["men","sex","women"]},{"body":"It doesn't matter how much you work, there will always be an asshole that works less but gets more.","tags":["life","motivational","work"]},{"body":"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed.","tags":["life","work"]},{"body":"Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.","tags":["attitude","life","mistake","work"]},{"body":"If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.","tags":["attitude","sport","work"]},{"body":"Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.","tags":["attitude"]},{"body":"I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.","tags":["attitude","life","work"]},{"body":"Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"My resum\u00e9 is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.","tags":["life","work"]},{"body":"What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!","tags":["blonde","dirty"]},{"body":"I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.","tags":["flirty","puns"]},{"body":"If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.","tags":[]},{"body":"Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.","tags":["Father's Day","life"]},{"body":"I had amnesia once - maybe twice.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.","tags":[]},{"body":"The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship \"I apologize\" and \"You are right.\"","tags":["life","marriage","men"]},{"body":"What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.","tags":["life","puns"]},{"body":"Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.","tags":["marriage","men","women"]},{"body":"My IQ came back negative.","tags":["intelligence","stupid"]},{"body":"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.","tags":[]},{"body":"Every morning is the dawn of a new error.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.","tags":["communication","people"]},{"body":"The reward for a job well done is more work.","tags":["life","work"]},{"body":"You have to be flexible to work here. On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.","tags":["attitude","stupid","work"]},{"body":"What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!","tags":["animal"]},{"body":"Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.","tags":["attitude","life","mistake"]},{"body":"Why dont blacks celibrate thanksgiving? KFC isnt open on holidays.","tags":["black","racist"]},{"body":"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.","tags":["sex"]},{"body":"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?","tags":["dirty","insults"]},{"body":"I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.","tags":["political"]},{"body":"If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.","tags":["attitude","sport"]},{"body":"I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.","tags":["family","work"]},{"body":"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.","tags":["attitude","life"]},{"body":"Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.","tags":["life"]},{"body":"He who laughs last thinks slowest.","tags":["stupid"]},{"body":"Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.","tags":["animal","life","love","men"]},{"body":"The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.","tags":["life","sarcastic"]},{"body":"Why can't blondes count to 70? Because 69 is a bit of